Things Not To Do At WalMart
by queenchesh
Summary: "I've called you all here today because you are the most diabolical, plotting little monsters I know," Sakura pointed with her  -slightly damaged-  yardstick. "As you can see I have a plan."
1. Sakura's Plan

**Things (Not) To Do At Wal-Mart**

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><p>It all started with that list...<strong>.<strong>

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><p>"Alright," Sakura smiled evil and crossed her arms over her chest. "You are all probably wondering why I've called you here today..." Naruto, Shikamaru and the twelve plus gang members sat around the living room of the Haruno apartment with mutable facial expressions. Some indifferent, others curiosity and a few horror.<p>

The blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy raised his hand. "Does it have something to do with teme and you breaking-?"

_WAHPAM!_

Sakura's yardstick slammed over his head.

"Ow. . ."

"Do not use that language in my house! And no, this has nothing to do with Sas-gay." There were a few snickers from the black clad teenagers sitting on her love-seat. "Or revenge on Chicken-ass." The three other Uchiha's and Sasuke's brother's lackey Kisame sighed deeply, bored. "We will cover that at a later date. Anyway, I found a list and. . ." Sakura reached behind her and pulled down and projector screen.

"Where did she get that?" Itachi asked.

"Please, leave all questions for the end of the production. Thank you~! Tobi, lights." Sakura wheeled around and pointed at the 'Uchiha Zone'.

"Lights!" The masked Uchiha clapped and the room became dark.

Sakura pressed a button on the remote and her project turned on and in black boxy letters read: '333 Things To Do At Wal-Mart'.

"I'm intrigued." Madara smirked and leaned forward in his seat.

Sakura grinned like a maniack and grasped both ends of her yardstick.

"I've called you all here today because you are the most diabolical, plotting little monsters I know," Sakura pointed with her (slightly damaged) yardstick at the screen. "As you can see I have a plan. I found this list while scrolling through some FanFiction accounts and I had the most amazing idea. . .Why not try a few of these? Summer break has is almost over and we have all not been -how should I say this? - _LAZY_ with our plans to take over this town! Pein, Nagato-nii, Yahiko, Konan, you three have been my idols since I was little, now lend me your brains and. . .Question?"

Everyone wheeled around to watch Deidara lower his hand.

"So, we're gonna pull a bunch of pranks in Wal-Mart for no apparent reason?"

"Correct."

"And what if we get caught?" Sasori asked.

"Oh, that. . ." Sakura looked at her remote and pressed a button. A blue print of a local Wal-Mart appeared on the screen. "I'll print off a few copies and have this in each of our survival packs."

"Survival packs?" Kakuzu questioned.

"Filled with things we will need for said pranks." Madara offered and Sakura nodded.

"Hai and since this list contains so many wonderfully evil things I couldn't possibly do them all myself, in result, I had Nagato-nii-san call an emergency Akatsuki meet so you'd all haul ass up here." Sakura smiled sweetly and gripped both ends of the yardstick. "Now back to the main objective,"

The yardstick slapped against the screen, causing a few to jump.

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><p>After the presentation of the list Sakura faced the crowd, hands on hips.<p>

"Are you with me?"

The Akatsuki looked at each other and nodded.

"Alright! Let's get kicked out of Wal-Mart!" Naruto shouted. Sakura glanced at him and, with both hands, slammed the yardstick down on top of his head.

_SNAP!_

"Ow!"

"You broke my ruler!"

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><p>Shikamaru sighed irritably, shuffling through his 'ninja pouch' that Sakura had given him. If he hadn't lived in the apartment next to the crazy, pink-haired girl he wouldn't have been dragged into this mess. . .he could be sleeping in right now. It was Sunday. Then again it was either this or shopping with Ino, followed by lunch with Choji. . .and both of them tended to be 'broke' everytime. Yeah, this had to be the cheapest option.<p>

"Now I'll split you up into teams." Sakura -the dictator of the day- stood on her coffee table. Camo bandana tied around her forehead and black streaks on her cheeks -the attire she'd picked out for everyone. "I'm leader of Team 1, Nagato-nii-san is leader of Team 2, Madara is leader of Team 3 and Sasori is leader of Team 4."

Someone raised there hand: Naruto.

"Question?"

"Yeah, why aren't I a team leader?"

"Because you broke my yardstick and now I must purchase a new one."

"Yeah, but you let Madara be a team leader."

"And?"

"He's Sasu-"

If looks could kill.

"You-Know-Who's uncle!"

"Well. . .that's different."

"How?"

"I like Mikoto-okaa-chan a helluva lot better than her offspring!" Sakura glanced sideways. "No offense to you, Itachi-kun."

"None taken."

"Good. Now, team leaders! Let's see who we have on our teams."

Sakura passed around an old baseball hat and all the leader's withdrew a slip of paper. Each with three names on it.

"Team 1: Tobi, Kisame, and Pein you're coming with me." Sakura grinned wickedly.

"Team 2," Nagato glanced at his cousin and sighed. "Itachi, Hidan, Naruto and Jashinette. . .Wait who's Jashinette?"

"Hidan's pet pit-bull." Kakuzu stated blandly, trading his usual face mask for a camouflage patterned one.

Nagato glanced wearily at the animal sitting near Hidan's leather clad foot. The silver haired man patted the dog's head. "I named her after Lord Jashin."

"She's needed on this mission." Sakura explained.

"Oh-kay."

"Team 3: Shikamaru, Yahiko, and Konan." Madara glanced up from the list he was given to Sakura. "What?"

Sakura shrugged. "I tried to make it as even as possible: one serious, one crack-addict idiot, and one or two plotting minds."

"Hmm," Madara read over the list again.

Sasori finished painting his face and ranted off his own list. "Team 4: Deidara, Zetsu and Kakuzu."

"'Kay! To the vans!" Sakura pumped her fist in the air and a few followed with: "Hell yeah's" and "Whoo-hoo's"

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><p>Those Wal-Mart people would never see them coming...<strong>.<strong>

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><p><strong>Okay! To explain a few things: Pein and Nagato and Yahiko are their own people. As are Tobi and Madara.<strong>

**Sakura is Nagato's cousin.  
>Madara is Mikoto's (Sasuke's and Itachi's mother's) uncle but he is (obviously) younger than her. He was born late, it has happened.<br>Sakura obviously knows the Uchiha through the unnameable amount of time she has spent dating Sasuke and has met his mother.  
>Hidan has a dog, yes and he would.<strong>

**Sakura is take her break up kidda hard, ne? Broke a perfectly good ruler too. . .**


	2. Messing with the Employees

**Mission o1: Mess with the Employees**

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><p><strong>Team o1:<strong>**  
><strong>**Leader: Haruno, Sakura****  
><strong>**Second-in-command: Reiame, Pein****  
><strong>**Team Muscle: Hoshigaki, Kisame****  
><strong>**Crack-addict/idiot: No-Surname,Tobi**

**Task #30: If an employee comes within 30 ft scream "GET AWAY FROM ME!" Then run out of the store screaming**

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><p>"So. . .How are we going to start this, Sakura-san?" Pein asked, standing away from the group as Kisame, Tobi and her clustered together over the list.<p>

"With something simple. . . Like number 67 or 93. . ."

Kisame shook his head and they debated their first prank.

Unknowingly, a Wal-Mart employee walked up to them. "Hello, is there anything I can help you with today?"

Tobi threw his arms into the air and let out the most terrifying, high-pitched scream Sakura ever heard from a boy's mouth.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Tobi proceeded to run away and team 1 watched him go then glanced back at the horrified expression on the employees face and cracked up (except for Pein) laughing.

"He does that all the time anyway. . ."

"True."

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><p><strong>Team o3:<br>**Leader: Uchiha Madara**  
><strong>Second-in-Command: Nara Shikamaru<strong>  
><strong>Plotting Mind: Reiame,Yahiko and Konan<strong>**

**Task # ****17: Go up to an employee and in an official tone say "Code three in house ware." and see what happens.**

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><p>"This isn't going to work. . ." Shikamaru said.<p>

Madara smirked and walked up to a seemingly random employee. "Hello, Michael." He grinned.

The employee's eyes got huge. "Hello, Mr. Uchiha! How are you today? Is that a new fashion tread? Oh, you kids. . ."

"Yes. . .Michael, we have a code three in house ware." Madara said in his usual official tone that he used around adults.

"Someone's using the sterling silver knives as weapons?"

Konan, Yahiko and Shikamaru stared.

"Yes. Careful, Michael," Madara clapped a hand on his shoulder. "It's bloody back there." Madara continued on with the details of the fight and how two tiny children had indulged in combat.

Konan and Yahiko snickered as the employee ran off and Shikamaru checked it off their list.

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><p><strong>Team o2:<strong>**  
><strong>Leader: Nagato<strong>  
><strong>Second-in-Command: Uchiha, Itachi<strong>  
><strong>Scary-as-shit-partners: Hidan and Jashinette<strong>  
><strong>Crack-addictIdiot: Uzumaki, Naruto****

**Task # 21: Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"**

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><p>Hidan and Naruto glared at the boy and let out a string of curses. "What do you mean you ain't go no Shnerples?" Naruto shouted.<p>

"Yeah! What the fuck sort of customer service is this? No, Shnerples? I outta take take you out back and kick your ass!"

"Um. . .well. . .if you could, um, tell me what they, um, look like. . ." Hidan reached over the counter and grabbed the boy by the collar of his shirt.

"What do you think the fuckin' look like, string bean?" He growled through his teeth.

Nagato leaned over to Itachi and whispered. "I think we should go before this gets out of hand."

"No, wait," Itachi put up a hand. "This entertains me. Let them continue."

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><p><strong>Team o4:<br>Leader: Sasori of the Red Sand  
>Second-in-Command: Kakazu<br>Scout: Zetsu  
>Crack-addictIdiot: Deidara**

**Task # ****27: Open up random packages in the toy aisle then walk off. If an employee asks what you're doing, just say "I changed my mind."**

**And**

**24. Tape a walkie-talkie to the back of a Barbie doll and say to random people, "I know where you live..."**

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><p>"Is. . .he okay?" Zetsu asked. "<strong>Is he dead?"<strong>

"No." Deidara answered. "Sasori, just really, really, really likes toys."

They all stared at the back of their leader for another few minutes. Sasori was in awe.

"So many puppets. . ." Deidara clapped his shoulder.

"I know buddy, I know."

"Let's begin."

Each other them grabbed a toy and began ripping them out of their boxes: Hot Wheels, Barbie's, Action figures, any and everything they could get their hands on.

An employee rounded the corner. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Kakazu shrugged. "We've changed our minds."

They walked out of the aisle and left the man to pick the toys up.

He picked up a Malibu Barbie half-ripped out of her box and. . .

_"Hello, Clarice." _The Barbie spoke. _"I heard you were working here still. And now, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"_

The man dropped the Barbie and ran out of the aisle screaming.

Deidara, who was on the other side of the walkie started laughing.

"Dude. . .you do that girlie voice too well." Sasori commented.

"Danna, shut the hell up or I'm gonna tell everyone at school about your 'collection'."

They crossed the two off their list and continued on.


	3. Messing with Cars

**Team o2:  
>Leader: Reiame Nagato<br>Second-in-Command: Uchiha Itachi  
>Scary-as-shit-partner(s): Hidan and Jashinette<br>Crack-addict/Idiot: Uzumaki Naruto**

**Task # 76: Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store**

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><p>"This is so demeaning." The Uchiha grumbled, bringing his legs up to his chest as he sat in the back of a toddler's jeep.<p>

It was pink. Pink with little purple flowers all over it.

"Yeah. . .Your father owns most of the Wal-Mart's, ne?" Nagato turned he head slightly. He was sitting (balancing) on the driver's seat while his long legs extended over the hood of the car.

"Yes,"

"Oh. . ." The car putted along silently. "Well, we could have at least gotten a boy's car. Then this would have been funner."

"How could any sane man find joy in-?"

A red blur flew past them.

On it were Hidana and Naruto, Jashinette trailed behind them.

"Fuck yeah!" Hidan pounded his fist into the air and Naruto made a U-turn into traffic, causing most of the cars to collide or swirve out of the way.

Nagato and Itachi watched with eyes the size of dish plates.

"Well they-"

"I said 'sane'."

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><p><strong>This will be the shortest chapter, but I could only imagine Hidan and Naruto doing this.<strong>


	4. Messing with Customers part 1

**o4. Messing with Customers (part one)**

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><p><strong>Team o1:<strong>**  
><strong>**Leader: Haruno Sakura****  
><strong>**Second-in-command: Reiame Pein****  
><strong>**Team Muscle: Hoshigaki Kisame****  
><strong>**Crack-addict/idiot: Uchiha Tobi**

**Task #4:. Go up to some old geezer & say "Grandpa! You're ALIVE! It's a MIRACLE! etc." **

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><p>Team 1 had long since given up trying to find their wayward team member -after chasing the screaming teen around the store <em>twice<em>- and decided to continue with their list. Kisame already had his eye on several of them and was prepared to argue with Sakura.

"Ah! You know what?"

Pein turned his attention back to the pink-haired terror. . .just as she leapt on top of an old man.

"GRANDPA! ?" She squealed, tears pouring down her cheeks. "YOUR ALIVE! IT'S A MIRICALE!"

The pinkette proceeded to hug and cry over the old man, talking about his funeral and how much she missed him.

"Aw, I wanted to do that one. . ." Kisame groaned.

Pein cocked an eyebrow at him.

"AHHH!"

The scream startled both of them and as they turned Sakura barreled down on top on Pein: she half-climbed up his body and buried her face in his chest.

"That old perv just tried to fuddle my butt!"

"Well that's what you get for hugging strange old men." Pein sighed, patting the girl's head affectionaly.

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><p><strong>Team o2:<strong>**  
><strong>Leader: Reiame Nagato<strong>  
><strong>Second-in-Command: Uchiha Itachi<strong>  
><strong>Scary-as-shit-partners: Hidan and Jashinette<strong>  
><strong>Crack-addictIdiot: Uzumaki Naruto****

****Task #7 & 10:Hide in the center of the clothes circle where people find shirts, and jump out ****

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><p>Naruto jumped out of a clothing rack and screamed: "Pick me! Pick me! Take me with you!" and the girl dropped the blouse, running away screaming.<p>

Itachi stood next to him, glaring.

"You are an idiot."

Hidan jumped out of the clothing circle next to theirs, startling the three woman around them. "And your a good for nothin' little bitch."

"AHHH!" A woman fainted.

Nagato walked up to them, holding a McDonald's meal. "Um. . .I think we should run."

"Agreed."

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><p><strong>Team o4:<br>Leader: Sasori of the Red Sand  
>Second-in-Command: Kakuzu<br>Scout: Zetsu  
>Crack-addictIdiot: Deidara**

****Task #5: Take something from someone else's cart, when they say "hey, that's mine! " call the security and say that the other ... person was trying to take your stuff. ********AND ********Task #3: Smash the person in front of you on the head with a ham****

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><p>Kakuzu snagged a frozen ham from a shopping cart of a soccer mom. "This is mine." He insisted, but the middle aged woman fired up; ready to fight.<p>

"What! ? I had in it my cart!"

"I saw it first!"

"Give it back!"

"No!"

"You little-"

**_WACK!_**

Deidara stared. "Did you just hit her with a ham. . .yeah?"

"Yes. Yes I did."

"Good thing it's on the list, un." Deidara said, wistfully checking it off the list.

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><p><strong>Sorry for the long wait. I decided I will do as many pranks as I could in the story. Also I have an idea of what to do for two sequels: 'Things to Do While Failing a Test' and 'Things Not to Do in a Elevator', in that exact order.<strong>

**Love and reviews,**

**~QueenVamp**


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